Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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