I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
