highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
