i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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