You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
