When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
