I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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