Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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