we have pet lesbian snakes
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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