I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
