It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
