I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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