; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
