i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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