That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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