He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We are all done wearing pants today
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
