Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
