She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
