i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
