And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
