I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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