Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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