I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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