Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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