i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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