Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
