it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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