just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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