I think I am morally bankrupt
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
