I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize