Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
