Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
