it's too hot outside to masturbate.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
