ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
