the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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