I hate all girls vehemently.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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