Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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