She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
