apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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