also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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