I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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