you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
