the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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