I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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