I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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