god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I've blown a few things in my day
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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