I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
