how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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