two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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