we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
