chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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