I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
