my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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