sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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