Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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