The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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