$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
