If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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