Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
