please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
