is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
