I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Girls should come with a carfax report
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize