I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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