Don't make out with my wife yet
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
