Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
