I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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