1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
