I feel great
I just peed on a car
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
