i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
BRING THE BAGELS
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
