god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
