so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
