flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
my shit smells like andre
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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