I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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